A Fresh Look on Why We Say Sorry

The Mindset of An Apology

Drew Jackson

Dec 11, 2024

👋 Hello friends,

Thank you for joining this week's edition of Brainwaves. I'm Drew Jackson, and today we're exploring:

The Concept of Sorry

Key Question: I’ve seen research occasionally that suggests humans say sorry too much, is that true? What are the ramifications of doing so? What’s a differentiated way to approach this already-defined topic?

Thesis: Being conscious about your language and your mindset is key in high-emotional settings such as an apology. It’s hard to apologize, and many people avoid them always, yet saying “I’m sorry” is a part of life. Knowing when and where to effectively apologize is integral to quality, lasting relationships.

Credit Mindful.org

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Let’s dive in!

Why do humans say sorry?

The word sorry is an interesting one. Almost always I see it used as a form of apology.

People who have been hurt or humiliated often hope for an apology.

As many of you may have experienced, a thoughtful apology can often mend a relationship, while a thoughtless one may cause further conflict.

According to Harvard Medical, the following characteristics make an effective apology:

1. A specific definition of the perceived offense - The person offended and the perceived offender need a clear shared understanding of the behaviors that felt hurtful, rude, or wrong.

2. Acknowledging that the perceived offense caused harm - The person offended needs recognition that their plan or embarrassment was legitimate, even if others might have felt differently.

3. Taking responsibility - Offenders should acknowledge that, whether or not the offense was intentional, they were accountable for causing harm.

4. Recognition of wrongdoing - Offenders need to agree that they were insensitive and made a mistake.

5. A statement of regret - While “I’m sorry” is generally not enough for a complete apology, it is a necessary part of any apology and is imperative for re-building trust.

6. A promise not to repeat the offense - The offender needs to offer a clear plan for self-restraint, improved behavior, and how to work with the offended person to address possible future misunderstandings.

7. An explanation of why the offender acted this way - An explanation is only effective if combined with all the above elements.

Yet, when most people apologize, all they say is “I’m sorry”. They leave out all of the other components.

Why?

It’s Hard to Apologize

Many psychological and social effects factor into apologizing and can be reasons why apologizing can feel challenging (provided by Claude):

Vulnerability and Ego Protection:

Fear of Consequences:

Internal Resistance:

Power Dynamics:

Skill Deficit:

What does the research tell us about this?

A 2012 research study into the effects of apologies (or the denial of an apology) found that the act of refusing to apologize resulted in greater self-esteem than not refusing to apologize. What’s more, the research tells us that people may be reluctant to offer an apology because it can make us feel threatened.

However, a 2014 research study into the positive and negative effects of apologizing on a person found that people who apologize often overestimate the potentially negative effects of apologizing while underestimating the potentially positive effects of apologizing.

What’s more, another 2014 research study found people are more likely to feel better about themselves after they apologize.

Now that we’ve explored some of the psychological and social factors driving why humans apologize and say sorry, let’s dissect why humans say sorry so often.

Why Do Humans Say Sorry Too Much?

Have you ever found yourself in any of the following situations:

What could be the explanation for this?

A 2022 PsychCentral article theorizes the following:

Over-apologizing can happen for a variety of reasons. Some of the most common reasons, according to Jocelyn Hamsher, a therapist in Arizona, include:

  • False guilt (feeling responsible for something you are not responsible for)
  • Carried guilt (feeling guilt for someone else’s behavior because they don’t feel guilt)
  • People-pleasing (wanting others’ approval)

“With people pleasing, over-apologizing is motivated by trying to manage the other person’s emotions and make them feel better,” explains Hamsher. “Even if you weren’t the one to cause harm because you’re uncomfortable when other people aren’t happy.”

Another reason someone might over-apologize is because of low self-esteem.

“When someone has low self-esteem, they may feel they’re taking up too much space, asking too much, or being disruptive,” says Shahar Lawrence, LCSW, in Utah and Nevada. “In this case, they often apologize profusely as they feel they aren’t worthy of time, space, or attention.”

Other sources suggest that there could be other factors contributing to why people say sorry too much.

Perfectionism: Perfectionists have high and almost unattainable expectations of themselves. Thus, when they fail to meet those standards, they feel the need to apologize to others even though they are not impacted. There is a fear of rejection or criticism, and apologizing is a way of avoiding that.

Coping mechanism: If a person has grown up in a home where slight conflict resulted in huge fights, screaming at one another, or even physical violence, they may develop the response of over-apologizing as a way to avoid conflict.

Safety Manoeuvre: Also stemming from childhood experiences of abuse or even experiences in adulthood of abusive relationships, excessive apologizing is sometimes used by people to protect themselves from violence in a relationship. If a person has had a parent or a partner who lashed out at them for minor mistakes, they may develop a learned response of apologizing before a situation escalates. This behavior may continue even when they are no longer in an abusive situation.

Low Self-Esteem: Self-esteem issues, whether developed due to childhood trauma or later experiences, can also result in a habit of chronic apologizing. People with low self-esteem feel unworthy and believe they are the root cause of all negative things happening around them. They tend to have poor boundaries, feel like they are a burden on others, and prioritize the needs of others over their own. This encourages them to engage in over-apologizing.

Social Anxiety: People with social anxiety may experience the ‘Spotlight Effect’. This refers to the extreme self-consciousness experienced by people who come to believe that all their mistakes are being closely observed by those around them. In such a case, over-apologizing becomes a way through which one manages fear and nervousness.

___

Either way, many people often say sorry for things outside their control. How often? I was looking through the survey results from a recent Preply survey which estimated that people on average said sorry between 2-5 times a day.

A recent YouGov survey found that around 25% of Americans say they apologize for things outside their control at least daily. On the opposite end of the spectrum, around 15% say they never apologize for things outside their control.

These survey results are more interesting when you look at the breakdown by generation:

Credit YouGov

Interestingly, younger generations (specifically members of Gen Z) are more likely than other generations to apologize for things outside of their control than older generations (specifically members of the Baby Boomers).

Why might that be?

The YouGov survey results could offer one explanation:

Credit YouGov

As you can see, younger generations, even though they apologize more often for things outside of their control, find it more empathetic than annoying, compared to any other generation. Younger generations (arguably) have been raised with more emphasis on EQ, which can manifest as preemptive apologizing even when not directly responsible.

Yet, that might not be the only explanation:

For younger generations, growing up with social media and text-based communication has made “sorry” a common conversational buffer or politeness marker. For instance, in digital communication, “sorry” often functions to acknowledge potential awkwardness or inconvenience rather than express genuine remorse.

In addition, as younger generations have already had to experience many periods of significant instability (the COVID pandemic being the most recent), these events may have created a general sense of anxiety and desire to minimize any potential negative impact on others.

Finally, there have been long-term cultural shifts in power dynamics in America. Previous generations, particularly the Baby Boomers, grew up in an era that often emphasized projecting confidence and authority. Apologizing might have been seen as a sign of weakness rather than consideration.

You Should Continue Apologizing

You might have read the previous section and determined that you should simply stop apologizing at all.

You’re missing the point.

Research is pretty unanimous that we should be apologizing, but probably not as much as we currently do.

There are no major drawbacks to apologizing, and it may even strengthen relationships. However, over-apologizing can undermine your self-worth and cause other balance.

That signals that there is some balance between not apologizing at all and apologizing all the time which is optimal for your mental health and the people around you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you, coming out of this article, is to be conscious, be aware of what language you’re using day in and day out. How often are you apologizing? Do you mean it when you apologize, or are you just saying it because you have to? Do you say sorry when you probably shouldn’t be?

You’re probably saying “I’m sorry” too much.

That’s all for today. I’ll be back in your inbox on Saturday with The Saturday Morning Newsletter.

See you Saturday for The Saturday Morning Newsletter,

Drew Jackson

Twitter: @brainwavesdotme

Email: brainwaves.me@gmail.com

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